Why do women stay in abusive relationships?

I visited a sick friend admitted in a hospital in Nairobi sometimes back. Her ‘neighbour’ was apparently a victim of physical violence by her husband – she had a broken leg and we gathered that one of her ears was not functioning properly following the violence. My friend could not understand why the woman was feigning reasons for her broken leg or why she did not want her parents to know about it, or why she would not press criminal charges. Worse still, the husband came to see her and they were all lovey dovey over each other and reciting their commitment to each other. My friend said she felt like drawing the curtain and asking the woman to wake up and smell the coffee. My response....not surprising at all....it’s all too common. Many women in abusive relationships dont and/or may never smell the coffee.....

Of the many frameworks that have been developed to understand violence against women in intimate relationships, one that is permanently etched in my mind is the “Cycle of Violence” because it fits almost perfectly with the lived/living experiences of many women across different contexts.   In this regard, abusive relationships have been found to follow a specific three stage cyclic pattern comprised of tension building phase, Explosion phase and Honeymoon phase.

Tension building phase is characterized by  increased tension and stress in the relationship which may be triggered by day to day life challenges - poor communication, financial worries, job related problems, children etc. This phase is seemingly all about denial and rationalization. The man exhibits negative behaviour, ranging from finding fault with seemingly minor issues, extreme criticism, unwarranted demands, obsessive jealousy, controlling movement and interactions with others, to other forms of verbal and psychological abuse, and blames everything and everybody else other than himself. The woman adopts coping mechanisms – she faults herself and makes effort to appease the man e.g. by complying with his demands, avoiding to ‘annoy him’....but ultimately, the tension at some point boils over...can result to stress related illnesses such as headaches/migraines that won’t go away even with medication, depression etc    

Explosion phase is the all familiar phase – the accumulated tension and stress ‘explodes’ into the ‘real/actual’ violence. The violence is not necessarily physical; it can take the form of extreme psychological/emotional abuse such as name calling/insults, repeated and constant belittling, criticizing, berating, humiliating and blaming, isolating from friends and family, excessive monitoring, restricting or denying access to and control over money and other resources, perceptions of entitlement, jealous actions and possessiveness, emotional manipulation to get his way and other controlling behaviours. During explosion phase, the man may try to justify his actions, blame the woman for his actions, minimize the violence, or become unpredictable and difficult to reason with. The woman may passively accept the abuse or minimize it to herself or others – she may blame herself, feel guilty for ‘letting things get out of hand’, find ways to keep it private, feel trapped or may look for help.  

The honey moon stage is just that – honeymoon! The man will do just about anything to placate the woman to avoid any negative consequences and to achieve reconciliation. He will be calm, loving, and profusely apologetic for his misbehaviour, offer gifts with promises to change and that 'it will never happen again' and act genuinely sorry in order to draw the woman back into the relationship. The woman may initially consider and plan to leave the relationship or even leave the relationship, but may feel guilty about possibly 'breaking' the relationship. She may feel overwhelmed by thoughts of ‘time wasted and starting life afresh’, and ‘life without him’ and subsequently may minimize the violence. The woman is often hopeful that he will change, that there is still a chance to ‘save’ and protect the relationship from imminent failure and is desperate to get back ‘the man that she fell in love with’. She therefore easily falls for the hook, line and sinker and forgives the man. As soon as the woman is in the ‘box’, the honeymoon is over and the cycle begins ....again.

The tragedy is that as the cycle repeats itself again and again, the tension building and honeymoon phases get shorter and the explosion phase gets longer and more intense over time. Unfortunately, the emotional reconnection and renewed sense of hope at honeymoon stage serves as the epitome of women’s victimization par excellence! Women are trapped in abusive relationships because of the constant return to honeymoon stage.

Sounds familiar?