Infidelity and
all its appendices has become common fodder for many radio call-in shows,
gossip columns, gutter press and juicy gossip among family, friends and
acquaintances. Discussions often manifest tacit social acceptance and tolerance
for men’s infidelity. Having ‘mpango wa kando, clande, gachungwa’ as we have
popularly christened marital infidelity has seemingly become the in-thing. If
it is not about glorification of extra marital relationships as men’s entitlement
(infamous myth that ‘men are polygamous in nature’ and perception that fidelity
is an impossible feat for men) it is about a plethora of excuses and
justification for men’s infidelity. The real cruelty behind infidelity or the
devastating consequences of infidelity rarely features...off course unless the
man is on the receiving end.
While pondering
over the social acceptance of infidelity, i was struck by the stark
similarities with violence against women in intimate relationships.
Infidelity hurts just as violence does, if not more, and it sometimes
is a form of psychological and emotional violence. Women who stay with
perpetually unfaithful partners often exhibit similar psychological and social
characteristics as women in abusive relationships, including deep sense of
personal hurt, humiliation, rage, betrayal, low self esteem and a sense of worthlessness,
dependency on the perpetrator and a longing for their approval and warped sense
of reality. Infidelity, just as violence against women, also results in negative
psycho-social and health consequences, including depression, panic/anxiety
attacks and post traumatic stress symptoms/reactions such as obsessive pondering
over details of the affair/s, continuously watching out for further signs of
betrayal and flashbacks.
Infidelity in
ongoing relationships often mimic the cycle of violence against women, with a
typical cycle including tension building up phase, pain (explosion/violence phase), brief period of
remorse and guilt and then the reconciliation (honeymoon phase). Philandering men are
almost always oblivious and insensitive about the pain they inflict on their
partners, just as men who perpetrate physical and psychological violence. They
are the epitome of lies, deception and denial. They rarely accept
responsibility for their unfaithfulness – they adopt the mantra it wasn’t me’,
‘blame the devil’ or play the victim by accusing the partner of pushing them
into having an affair/s. When busted, they may act guilty and remorseful but
they often continue with the infidelity as soon as the partner is back in the
‘box’. Women victims of infidelity just as women victims of intimate partner violence often try to
make sense out of nonsense - they may try to rationalise their partners
cheating/abusive behaviour, sympathise with him, engage in self blame for their
partner’s behaviour or go out of their way to appease and please him hoping to win
his approval. Subsequently, the cycle continues.
Changing
behaviour patterns in both infidelity and intimate partner violence against
women contexts does not just happen – it calls for deliberate and decisive
action. Sitting back and pretending that all is or will be well with time, staying
together for the sake of the children or to maintain the illusion of a loving
couple/role model family/’complete’ family, blaming the third party and others
for your predicament or co-perpetrating infidelity and violence to get even and
hit back will do nothing to change unfaithful behaviour. Taking personal
responsibility and control of one’s life and destiny would be a good starting
point. The unfaithful partner must take responsibility for his behaviour and subsequent
negative consequences, genuinely commit to change and make deliberate efforts
to make and sustain the change. Women in such contexts must draw a red line and
chose between resigning themselves to perpetual pain and suffering or harnessing
their inner strength to reclaim their lives and happiness with or without the
man. If the woman choses to remain in the relationship, then it is critical that she is clear about the shit that she can or cannot take. If the scenerio involves a child born out of wedlock, the woman needs to be alive to the reality that the man may never completely severe contact with the other woman. For the woman who decides to go her separate way...."you are better alone than sick with someone else"....your children are better off without exposure to negative energy in the relationship.
The reverse also applies.
